Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My blood type is coffee.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.