age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit