Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure