@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.
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@1par8head: Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing...we are about to make fun of people on FB...
@daemonic3: [1st date] So, what's your back story? "I have scoliosis" No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history "Oh! I got scoliosis as a child"
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.