@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.
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@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
@AndrewNadeau0: LEGOLAS: You have my bow. GIMLI: And my ax. [Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich] ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
@OakHill_: Elf on the Shelf Log: Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity. Day 6: I think he IS moving at night. Day 9: He’s in my liquor again. Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best. Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.