“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
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