“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Home #decor warning.