Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
there’s probably a fee though
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.