The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Incredible customer service.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?