* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far