* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.