*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.