Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Go hard or stay average
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.