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[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
And bowling should be called pinball
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.