Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.