ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.