@bridger_w: "Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who's pointing out a constellation
@SamReidSays: Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can't click because I'm eating cereal and a sandwich.
@Kryzazy: Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
@ElKnuckelhombre: My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
@TheDailyEdge: Jeb Bush: "The Pope should not discuss climate change because he's not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife's gynecologist"
@_youhadonejob1: You Had One Job!