“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
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Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?