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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
San Francisco has too many rules
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”