Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
You Might Also Like
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird