AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.