Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot