video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
excuse me
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’d love this…lol
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.