Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
God has abandoned us.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.