Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.