Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”