AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?