Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.