I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
i choose….tongue
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe