Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I love the National Park Service.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.