Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
broke down and did it
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.