Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Good dog. ❤️
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks