Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine