Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
what’s the point then??
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Meow
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master