Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I came this close!!!!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Very good! 👍😂
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
wishing you and yours all the best
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”