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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out