Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
You Might Also Like
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s