Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
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My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
HERE’S MARKY
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
me doing my best
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.