“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Twitter is an abusement park.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”