Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store