@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [housefly pilot training] Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do? X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness? I: Repeatedly! Good.
@xLiserx: How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.
@TheDjinnTrials: A fortune cookie told me I'd receive an important message soon. The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.