air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
How to properly lift a body
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.