@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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@panmidwest: [texting gf across the table from me so the people we're making fun of won't hear] HER: hahaha ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all
@scarebro: My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
@Chelsea_Elle: The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn't there I just take a nap til one shows up.
@KenJennings: The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.