*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
bought wrong eggs
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.