*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.