Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Natural selection at its finest
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
12. I think about this all the damn time
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation