[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
You Might Also Like
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…