[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I’m so full I could puke a horse
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.