Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “