Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
figuring out my emotional availability:
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Oh my God.