Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?