@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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@Marcmywords2: Dear XBOX Kinect If I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I'd play sports.
@Midgetspar: When someone's all, "Words cannot begin to describe ..." I'm all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
@ShittyComedian: When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn't have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
@_ElvishPresley_: [Horsemen tryouts] APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4 *Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other* STEVE: dang it