@SadMeterologist: Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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@PajamaStew: If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating "Little did they know..." over and over and over.
@bigmacher: #MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'
@NorCalBratt: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
@iinkedZombie: [after tee ball game] Wife: we brought snacks for the kids. Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!