Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
We have a winner.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions