Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”